It Ain't Easy Being White

I'm a pretty white white person. Not in mannerisms or musical tastes (although that too) but in the actual colour of my flesh. I am really white with a slightly pinkish tinge - I've also been known to break into a red rash after too much red wine. It happens with beer from time to time as well and is super awkward because not only have I had too much to drink, my face betrays me before words ever can. Judas!

Being this white isn't all bad. I make a good living moonlighting at the local haunted house and my photo has graced the cover of "Albino Weekly" on more than one occasion. Problems arise, however, when my milky white Canadian flesh comes into contact with a UV ray higher than 5. And, even worse, Caribbean and/or tropical sun.

A few years ago I decided to go on vacation by myself to the Club Med in Turks and Caicos. A great idea in theory - I had a terrible time. Not because it wasn't serenely beautiful, which it was, but because I was horribly lonely. I also underestimated the ferocity of the sun. After a languid morning of pina coladas and cigarettes, I took a little nap (no I did NOT pass out) in a hammock which I thought to be in the shade. When I woke up I was pretty sure that I had made a horrible mistake - the full impact of what I had done wouldn't be revealed to me until later.

Shortly thereafter the sunburn finally revealed what it was made of. So much so that the aloe vera I applied felt like boiling acid. Boiling acid. That's right. People would stop in their tracks and give me a "Oh my God....jesus.....shit.....you got some sun" while backing away, pity and revulsion in their eyes. I had to visit the clinic where I was met with much of the same sentiment and sent away with various ointments. I spent 2 days in my room. After which, I looked like this:



It went away, of course. But I learned my lesson.

On a positive note, I took a walk along the beach and was accosted by one of the locals! You see, I have what can only be described as an hourglass figure, one that is generally appealing to men of African descent. I was told by "Whitey" that I had "more cushion for the pushin'" - so the whole trip wasn't ruined. Just really, really awkward.