I tell you. The United States has got the market cornered on garbage that passes for food. Bacon wrapped corn dogs with mayonnaise? Check. Sausage stuffed cornbread with gravy? Yessir. Deep fried lard with cracklins? You betcha.
The part of me that respects food and my body is repulsed by this America. The Hilary that worked in fine dining and takes pride in cooking balanced, local and sustainable nutrient-rich foods is better than these people.
But.
There's another Hilary.
There's the Hilary who wants to drown herself in a vat of gravy - the same Hilary who wants to shoot down the interstate firing rounds out the window of her Suburban. Oh yes. That Hilary wants to go to Nascar this weekend, wants to bleach her hair, pack on 200 pounds and start breeding smell hounds.
I took that Hilary to lunch today. Foaming at the mouth while sweating, she and I pulled into the Sonic drive In this afternoon. I had some time to kill and after buying up some sausage and biscuits at the local Wal Mart, it was time to get to the real crux of the matter (i.e. how disgusting can I possibly be at one sitting?). For those of you who have never heard of Sonic, it is an American drive In reminiscent of the ones seen in movies like Dazed and Confused.
Check it out: http://www.sonicdrivein.com/home.jsp
You park your car in a spot that has its own menu and intercom system and after staring at the bevy of choices offered up, you push a little button, holler out your order and wait until it is delivered by a pimply faced kid on roller blades. I wanted salad and poached fish - but Hilary was having none of it. So instead I ordered her a chili cheese wrap with Fritos. C'est quoi?, I'm sure you're wondering. Well. You start out with a flour tortilla, pour on some chili, pour on some cheese and finish the whole thing off with a handful of Fritos BBQ corn chips. Son of a dirty delicious bitch...I also threw in an order of jalapeno poppers with buttermilk ranch dressing for good measure.
Now she's all tired and dim witted and will only watch "Paul Blart, Mall Cop." I may need to get out of here.....she's pretty damn persuasive.
WELL AGED CREATIVE INTELLIGENCE
5 years ago
3 comments:
I am drooling, not because of the lentils & rice I am eating for dinner delicious though they may be. I am drooling because I know that feeling, that satisfaction that comes from eating something totally bastard. When you eat something delicious but terrible for you satisfy a certain part of your soul that can't be satisfied any other way. A moment of pure gestalt. The world narrows, focuses, becomes razor sharp. There is simply you and Fritos.
http://www.accidentalhedonist.com/index.php?title=frito_pie&more=1&c=1&tb=1&pb=1
"I took that Hilary to lunch today."? oh yeah? Sounds more like she'll told and will tell you - or anyone - what to do, and that the best course of action in such a situation is to listen, and obey.
what i loved most was all the "r"s in "Dirrrrrrty". mmmm! i love the sound of that almost as much as i love the sound of ice in a glass containing alcoholic liquid destined for my lips, mouth, and liver.
xP!
Hilarious. As well as I found myself identifying with the other Hilary quite a bit... I keep telling people that I would adorn myself in hotdogs and cheese if it was socially acceptable; picket for their return if they striked; and add them to the Canadian Food Guide as major food group, requiring a minimum of two servings a day. Sadly, I can only allow myself to create Hotdog Friday.
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