It is a widely popular fact that the only way to achieve true happiness is to live in the present moment. In looking back one can become sad or regretful about past experiences, looking towards the future can lead people to anxiety or fear about the unknown. In the present, however, nothing is ever that bad, life is safe. Right now, for example, I am sitting in my lovely home, cat on my lap, coffee to my right, Ray Lamontagne serenading me. Not bad I suppose. Yet something is amiss, I feel, dare I say it, sad and a little blue. This bothers me. How can one feel icky in the presence of all this good?
In the depths of my grief I was unable to see the forest for the trees. That is to say, I was so immersed in my own fear and pain that I failed to see all the good things in my life. I then worked really hard to focus on the positive rather than dwelling on what was missing. Yes my mother had died, but she had loved me deeply and without question. The forest was becoming clearer.
It is no easy task and I am certainly simplifying it to a level which baffles me even as I live in the present moment. And I suppose I have been no good at it lately since I've been feeling rotten and can't seem to get out of the funk. Not rotten all the time, however, but enough times to make me sit up and think, "I've lost sight of the forest again." My grief counselor compared this phenomenon to a crack in the sidewalk. It starts out small but once you trip on it, it gets bigger and bigger until it finally swallows you whole. What started out as "I feel kind of lonely" has spiraled into me being a fat loser with no future and no chance at happiness.
Whoa......wait a second. Fear is a terrible thing and so damaging as it attacks our deepest vulnerabilities. My greatest ambition in life is a simple one, to find a wonderful man with whom I can start a loving family. I don't have lofty career ambitions, don't fancy climbing Everest or circumnavigating the globe. I want to be loved deeply and completely and wish to extend the same to someone truly exceptional. Any fear or self doubt that creep into my mind somehow play into the notion of this dream never being realized - that I won't get this family I so deeply need. And that is the scariest thing I can think of.
Going to these dark and scary places takes guts and courage and the strength of mind to realize that these places
don't really exist - they are abstract notions. But I do think, every now and then, it's nice to drop in because it gives you an idea of what you might need to actually reach your destination. The danger, however, is getting stuck, failing to live in the present, and accepting your fears as reality.
So what's a dreamer to do?
How about a list of things that makes my heart burst:
1) I live in an amazing city, snow, cold and ice included. My mother always told me that there can't be a God if there is no Devil.
2) I walked home from the market the other day, baguette in hand, sunshine at my back, company coming for dinner.
3) Exceptional friendships, both physical and emotional.
4) A black and white cat. A grey and beige cat.
5) A job I love in a field that excites me.
6) Napping with Em, trying to trick Mateo into a nap. Succeeding.
7) Driving with the windows open.
8) Knowledge that even the deepest pain and wounding does not break the human spirit.
I've never been one for scripture and have shunned religion for a few reasons. There is, however, a passage from the bible that I've often responded to:
"Thou preparest a table before me in the presence of mine enemies: thou anointest my head with oil; my cup runneth over."
What it means is, I have more than enough for my needs. And it's true. Yes there are certain things in my life that could use a little tweaking, some fears that can't always be placated, some wounds that run to the bone. But there is a bumper crop of beauty I couldn't have even imagined. And I am grateful for all of it.
